The United States Postal Service is taunting me.
I live near the end of a dead-end street. Twice today, I have seen a mail truck drive past my apartment, make a u-turn IN FRONT of my mailbox, and drive away without stopping to dispense my precious mail. I know a lot of you dread the mail - bills, threatening letters from stalkers, useless coupons for Omaha steaks and off-brand slankets. But I am different. All my bills come electronically, so when I see that mail truck I salivate like a friggin' St. Bernard.
Maybe I'll get a card from a secret admirer (or just an inappropriate greeting card from my mom). Or maybe I'll randomly get money I forgot someone owed me. Perhaps a Bed Bath & Beyond coupon I'll never use but will save anyway.
On this particular day, however, I know exactly what I'm getting: The next movie in my Netflix queue. And it goddamn better come today, because otherwise it throws off my viewing schedule, not to mention my ENTIRE LIFE. See, I am determined to milk every last drop from the teat of Netflix before my free trial month is over. A movie comes on Wednesday - we watch it on Wednesday. Then I get up on Thursday morning, and immediately after breakfast I walk all the way to the post office to ensure that my movie ships out early. This is crucial, because otherwise, I won't get my next movie by Saturday, and that brings uncertainty and a disruption to my routine, and...HOW IS A PERSON SUPPOSED TO LIVE LIKE THAT? WHAT KIND OF SICK SOCIETY DO WE LIVE IN WHEN A GIRL CAN'T EVEN ENJOY THE PREDICTABLE AND REGULAR DELIVERY OF FREE STUFF? WHO DO I HAVE TO KILL AROUND HERE TO GET MY MAIL AT A DECENT HOUR?
Oh. Mail's here.
[edit] Not only did my movie arrive, but I also received a card with some sweet photos from a friend AND my husband's Newsweek. Sweet haul. I guess good things really do come to those who have absolutely no patience and spew vitriol all over the internet.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Friday, July 30, 2010
Mares Eat Oats
Ever since I discovered the glory that is the bulk bins at Winco, my grocery list looks like I'm feeding a horse:
Although if I venture into the other aisles, where food for lazy and/or rich people is sold, the analogy doesn't really hold water.
Unless I'm feeding the equine offspring of Mr. Ed and Paula Deen. In which case I'd probably be feeding a centaur. That is a cooking show I'd watch. I would strap it on* and get ready for a wild time in the kitchen.
Hopefully my math was a little off, but probably not. Such is life. Dig in y'all!
*A feed bag. Like horses wear? Seriously, what did you think I meant?
Oats
Apples
Peanuts
Sugar
Although if I venture into the other aisles, where food for lazy and/or rich people is sold, the analogy doesn't really hold water.
Artichokes
Frozen berries
Frozen squid
BeerUnless I'm feeding the equine offspring of Mr. Ed and Paula Deen. In which case I'd probably be feeding a centaur. That is a cooking show I'd watch. I would strap it on* and get ready for a wild time in the kitchen.
Hopefully my math was a little off, but probably not. Such is life. Dig in y'all!
*A feed bag. Like horses wear? Seriously, what did you think I meant?
Titular
First, let me just throw this out there: I had a few pretty sweet ideas for blog names, but they were already taken. Sure, I know I can call my blog whatever I want, sort of like how I can call my cat whatever I want because he doesn't know his own damn name so why does it matter? I just wanted to aim for consistency between blog title and URL because I have moderate OCD and need things to match and be placed at right angles and I could go on but we've just met and I don't want to scare you away before I've had a chance to charm you.
So it was that 'Eating My Feelings' was already taken. First I was indignant. Who would dare to think of using that phrase before me? Then I visited said blog and immediately felt like a horrible person because the blog belonged to a food addict who was baring her soul and appalling eating habits to the entire internet. That is, I felt bad until I saw that she posted two entries four years ago and promptly gave up. Then I was angry again.
As lunchtime was fast approaching, I checked the availability of 'Feelings for Lunch.' It was there, ripe for the taking, but I held back. It just didn't flow. I think the idea of eating your feelings for breakfast is much more pathetic, and thus funnier. If your day is already so horrible that you are eating a bag of pork rinds and a stick of butter for breakfast, you're just doing it wrong.
Thus, 'Feelings for Breakfast!' it is. Also, I am currently growing poorer by the second*. I have not yet resorted to ingesting pure, unadulterated shame and regret for breakfast** but they're not entirely off the menu.
At any rate, like everyone else who blogs, I will be using this as a venue for validating my existence. I just watched Grey Gardens (the Maysles documentary, not the Drew Barrymore one) and I'm kind of a little irritated and a lot scared that I might turn into a crazy hermit cat lady who wears a damn sweater tied around her head if I don't engage with society on some level. But, I live in Idaho for the time being, so this is the best I can do right now.
*You may be wondering how someone so poor can internet (yes, I just verbed a noun, deal with it). We have free shitty internet, and this isn't even my computer! And I've been slowly spiraling into poverty - I used to have a job. Then I quit that job and went to grad school so I could one day have a better job, but that better job has yet eluded my grasp. My icy, claw-like, Gollum-grasp.
**I usually just eat oatmeal. It's $.68 a pound. I also eat other foods for other meals, but this blog isn't actually about food, at least not exclusively. Just sometimes. When I feel like it.
So it was that 'Eating My Feelings' was already taken. First I was indignant. Who would dare to think of using that phrase before me? Then I visited said blog and immediately felt like a horrible person because the blog belonged to a food addict who was baring her soul and appalling eating habits to the entire internet. That is, I felt bad until I saw that she posted two entries four years ago and promptly gave up. Then I was angry again.
As lunchtime was fast approaching, I checked the availability of 'Feelings for Lunch.' It was there, ripe for the taking, but I held back. It just didn't flow. I think the idea of eating your feelings for breakfast is much more pathetic, and thus funnier. If your day is already so horrible that you are eating a bag of pork rinds and a stick of butter for breakfast, you're just doing it wrong.
Thus, 'Feelings for Breakfast!' it is. Also, I am currently growing poorer by the second*. I have not yet resorted to ingesting pure, unadulterated shame and regret for breakfast** but they're not entirely off the menu.
At any rate, like everyone else who blogs, I will be using this as a venue for validating my existence. I just watched Grey Gardens (the Maysles documentary, not the Drew Barrymore one) and I'm kind of a little irritated and a lot scared that I might turn into a crazy hermit cat lady who wears a damn sweater tied around her head if I don't engage with society on some level. But, I live in Idaho for the time being, so this is the best I can do right now.
*You may be wondering how someone so poor can internet (yes, I just verbed a noun, deal with it). We have free shitty internet, and this isn't even my computer! And I've been slowly spiraling into poverty - I used to have a job. Then I quit that job and went to grad school so I could one day have a better job, but that better job has yet eluded my grasp. My icy, claw-like, Gollum-grasp.
**I usually just eat oatmeal. It's $.68 a pound. I also eat other foods for other meals, but this blog isn't actually about food, at least not exclusively. Just sometimes. When I feel like it.
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