Ice Ice Baby

The following G-chat conversation took place this afternoon before I went to the grocery store (because today was a 'productive' day).  Behold what happens when two sarcastic people live together and try to function like adults:

me: i'm going to the grocery store in a few minutes - any last minute requests?

 Andrew: chips and salsa

  a single beer

 me: already on the list

  oh

  not the beer though

  a single beer?

 Andrew: just one

 me: what kind?

 Andrew: the singular kind

 me: winco doesn't have pbr

12:22 PMlike, a beer that's looking for a date?

  doesn't a single beer need a wing man?

 Andrew: oooohhhh

  yea

12:23 PM chicken wings

  get some chicken wings

  i need meat

  i havent eaten meat in weeks

  but i will not ask you to pick it up

  just allow me to get some inexpensive beef soon

 me: you can get some beef but you have to pick it out because i would just buy whatever is the cheapest and you might get e coli from it

12:24 PM seriously, what kind of beer?

  any kind that comes in a large singular container?

 Andrew: i dont care

  cheap beer that comes in a single container

  just not anything ice

  or hurricane

 me: i'm going to ice you, bro

 Andrew: yea

 me: you're going to come home and find a single bottle of smirnoff ice in the fridge

 Andrew: you do that and you'll need some ice

 me: and once you see it

12:25 PM you have to drink it

 Andrew: for the black eye you will receive

 me: oh okay i didn't understand your joke so i'm glad you clarified that

 Andrew: haha

  really?

12:26 PM me: no, geez

  of course i understood it

 Andrew: oh

 me: no, i thought i was going to need ice for the frozen margarita you would make me to express your gratitude

 Andrew: hahahahahahaha

  yea

 me: can i blog about this conversation, because it's funny

 Andrew: im awful

12:27 PM maybe

  is domestic abuse funny?

 me: yes

  when it's not serious

 Andrew: ok

 me: like, as long as you don't seriously injure me, you can smack me around a little

 Andrew: really?

12:28 PM me: if we had health insurance, you could hit a little harder, but i can't be needing any stitches or casts

12:29 PM Andrew: im all about that   I guess I should say something about how real violence isn't funny, and if you're being abused, you should call this hotline?  There, that's my good deed for the day.  Actually, my good deed for the day was not cart-ramming this 8-foot tall redneck metal-head with a cart loaded up with CASES of canned chili and frozen BBQ ribs who somehow kept getting in my way in every aisle at the store.  He was seriously wearing a three wolves howling at the moon t-shirt and buffalo-check flannel in a completely un-ironic fashion.  I've seen my fair share of variations on this outfit, but he was rocking it harder and more seriously than I ever thought possible.  In hindsight, he was awesome and the world is a better place with people like him in it.
I am on a roll.  Why stop at two good deeds?  I'm going to go all out and do three good deeds on this day of productivity.  Winco doesn't sell individual beers, apparently, so in order to avoid Sad Andy Syndrome, I'm going to walk all the way into town to buy him a PBR, because I didn't feel like driving to the real beer store after I left the store that sells other things besides beer.  Andy, when you read this, just know that this is how much I love you.  I would walk five hundred miles just to be the woman who walks five hundred miles to get you a PBR.