Monday, September 20, 2010

Metablogging and Poor people

Someone Googled (not Jewgled, unfortunately) the phrase, "pbr riding on coattails of a 1893 ribbon" and found this blog.  I have never been more proud.  I feel like a parent who just watching my child take its first tottering, inebriated steps.  Start 'em young, that's what I say.

In other news, I'm working on a longer post for tomorrow or Wednesday.  I hope it's actually funny.  I can't be sure, because I thought of the idea as I was falling asleep last night and leaped out of bed to write it down.  I haven't decided if it's gold or if it's like that episode of Seinfeld.   You know, the one where he woke up in the middle of the night and wrote down what he thought was the best joke ever, but he couldn't understand his handwriting in the morning?  I haven't looked at my note-to-self yet, because I'm afraid that even if it's legible, I'll be disappointed.  Which, by the logic of my defensive pessimism, means that it will be EPIC.  Although I don't know how well defensive pessimism works when you are intentionally gaming the system that way.  We'll see.

In the meantime, check out this list of "Signs that You're Poor" on Gawker.  Sadly, I meet or exceed many of the criteria.  Some of my favorites:

  • You steal all your toilet paper from public restrooms and use napkins from pizza places as Kleenex.
I haven't resorted to that yet, only because we bought a ginormous package of toilet paper a couple months ago.  At UArts, when certain roommates weren't contributing to the toilet paper fund, I definitely stole and hoarded my own stash of TP.  I had a backpack full of wadded up toilet paper because I couldn't get the dispenser open to steal the whole roll. 

  • You have had to make the choice between buying cigarettes and buying food. Cigarettes won.
Good thing I don't smoke.  And I like food.  But I have been leaning towards food in lieu of a bed frame, which explains the applicability of one of the below statements.

  • You say that not having cable is a "lifestyle choice" and you "don't watch television anyway" but you go over a friend's house to watch True Blood or the Real Housewives.
I thought not having cable would be a good thing.  I optimistically thought it would force me to be more productive, and to read more.  Turns the internet sucks up all the time I would have devoted to TV watching.  Optimism fails every time.


  • A career in porn/escorting/stripping is a serious consideration. (Yes, your mother will find out.)
Thought about it, then realized I don't even like to sit next to a stranger at a crowded movie theater on the off chance that their elbow might inadvertently graze mine.  Anything involving touching or getting touched by strangers was ruled out immediately.  Drug dealing was alluring until I realized selling drugs is still being a salesperson.  A salesperson that might go to jail.  Kinda...not worth it?

  • You plan an entire weekend around drink specials and open bars.
We can't even afford to drink on the weekend like normal people.  The best drink specials happen during the week!

  • All of your furniture is from Craigslist.
Not all.  But we did score a sweet hardwood table (with a leaf!) and four matching chairs for $50.  It isn't even second-hand.  This bad boy is third-hand.  See what happens when you don't buy furniture made of particle board?  I fully expect to sell this in a couple more years...for $60.  That's what we call investing.

  • You net more money from eBaying your possessions than from your actual job.
Maybe if I had an actual job.  Or maybe if Google AdSense didn't suspend my account.  Then I could claim that I made more money blogging than I made at my non-existent job.  But no, the heartless internet monolith rescinded my pittance.  What's next, Google?  Debtor's prison?  Please sir, I want some more.

  • You cut your own bangs and you think they look good. (They don't.)
I cut all my hair.  And I do think it looks good.  I didn't ask for your opinion.  Also, how hard is it to cut your own bangs, and why does doing that make you poor?  Even if your salon will do it for free between haircuts, why bother?  Unless you have no opposable thumbs or you're using pinking shears, it's pretty much impossible to mess up.

  • Your mattress is on the floor.
Yup.   Well, I mean, we're civilized people here.  The mattress AND box-spring are on the floor.  I just like to think of it as a safety precaution in case one of us falls out of bed.  Also, it's really hard for monsters to hide under your bed when it's already ON THE FLOOR!  Monster prevention win!  Unless it's the kind of monster that can flatten itself out and ooze under things, like Alex Mack.  God I hope we don't have any of those around here, or we are so screwed.  I just ruined this whole post by making an Alex Mack reference.  On a side note, though, I once tried for an embarrassingly long time to transform myself into a puddle of plasma just by squinting, and it NEVER WORKED.  There really should have been a 'don't try this at home' warning at the beginning of each episode.  I blame Nickelodeon for my premature crows feet and severe nearsightedness.  I'm considering a class action lawsuit to pay for my face lift and Lasik.  Let me know if you want in on that.

2 comments:

  1. "You have gone out on a date with someone unattractive for a free dinner." More times than I care to admit. The worst is when you get the bill and find out that your homely counterpart is unattractive AND cheap. Double fail.

    ReplyDelete
  2. And you thought "Let's go Dutch!" meant you were getting a dutch oven if the date went well. Which still would have been worth it for the free meal. These are tough times.

    ReplyDelete