Saturday, September 18, 2010

Waterworld

If I had a dollar for every time I've stepped my sock-clad foot into a puddle spilled from the cat's water dish, my unemployment woes would be solved.  Why do cats do this?  Do other cats do this?  Or is my cat just mentally inferior because his mother ate crack rocks off the gritty streets of Baltimore while she was pregnant?

He's not washing his paws.  He's just sits in front of his water dish and drags all the water out onto the floor until his bowl is nearly empty.  Then he goes upstairs, crawls under the sheets on the bed I so painstakingly made, and sleeps there until dinner time. 


Dinner time rolls around, and Ajax decides to grace us with his presence.  Not because he wants to hang out.  No, this lazy little opportunist just wants food, and he knows he can get it by slinking around our legs until we're tired of tripping over him.  If that's a bust, he deploys his broken little meow that sounds less like a cat and more like the product of a failed marriage between a baby bird and a broken squeak toy. 

If his attitude towards water is peculiar, his eating habits are just beyond.  Ajax's eating technique has to be the laziest behavior I have ever witnessed in all the animal kingdom, and I've seen some sloths at the zoo doing a whole lot of nothing.  On occasion, he inserts his face into his bowl and eats like a normal, able-bodied mammal.  That's not really his M.O., though.  No, sitting up is too taxing for old Ajax (who is actually not yet three years old).  Instead, he often feels a need to prostrate himself just within arms reach of his food bowl, whereupon he reaches a feeble paw into the bowl and drags some morsels onto the floor towards his mouth.  Without lifting his leaden head, he strains and stretches his neck just far enough to reach his mouth to his food, and he eats.  And eats.  And eats.


I realize this looks more like he's jumping into the air and slapping a hovering pile of food into his mouth, but, for various reasons involving the laws of physics, his sedentary lifestyle, and NASA's disinterest in taking a cat into space, that's not ever going to happen.  Just know that all the objects in the above image are resting on the same plane.  Also, objects are not drawn to scale.  The cat is fat, yes, but not because we're feeding him a bowl of food the size of his torso (much to his disappointment).  I just don't want the SPCA to take away our cat based on a poorly-rendered MSPaint drawing. 

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