Syllabus #145

Returning to work after spring break feels like getting hauled back into jail after you tunneled your way out with a spoon like in Ernest Goes to Jail.  You had that one brief gasp of fresh air, and then it's back in the slammer.  With good behavior, however, my sentence will end in just 9 weeks.

Very Important - have you seen this woman?  I think the people seeking the real Mavis Beacon are missing the point.  When they created this website, did they type it up without looking, their fingers positioned properly on the home keys?  Yea?  Ok, well it was then that Mavis carried you.  She is within you.  She is all around you.  Every time you feel those little grooves on the F and J keys beneath your pointer fingers, Mavis is there.  You don't have to search for Mavis, because she never left you.  Amen.

A must read.  Suleika is an inspiration to us all.  I get a head cold* and I'm like, clear my calendar, leave me alone, bring me blankets, I'm not doing a damn thing.  I can't imagine having such resolve to keep moving forward in the face of a life-threatening illness.  Sending her positive vibes for a smooth journey back to health.

*...I mean like, now.  Because it could be 'rona and you have to milk that shit even if your rapid test comes up negative.  In the before times, I was that asshole who showed up to work sick, and snotted all over the place, and blew my nose raw while denying that anything was wrong and also refusing to take any OTC medicine because 'you gotta save that for when you're actually sick so you don't build up a tolerance for it and then it doesn't work when you really need it.'

Analog Reading:

This week really got away from me.  In a cruel twist of fate, I've been too busy to read much, and yet I'm starting to enjoy The Stand more.  It's been a few hundred pages since King felt the need to drop any n-bombs, and all the disparate characters are pretty much converged in one of two places so it's easier to keep track of everyone.  Certain characters who were kind of douches when the story began have shown a lot of personal growth and I'm quite fond of them now.  That being said, shit's getting weirder and weirder and, as ever, there's a ton of body horror.  Not the greatest book to read when you're eating, as I am wont to do on my lunch break, but honestly, I'd subject myself to much worse just to get 20 minutes of uninterrupted peace during my work day.

Syllabus #144

 Ah, we have reached the Vernal Equinox at last.  This weeks offerings come to you in the waning hours of spring break (woo).  I spent the time off mostly cleaning, reading, and walking around aimlessly just because I could.  Thanks to the time change, I no longer wake up naturally at 5:00 for no reason, which is honestly a small tragedy because now I will be ripped mercilessly from a sound sleep when my alarm goes off at 5 on weekdays.  Such is life.

What if, hear me out, what if we split the difference and, next time we have to fall back, we just set our clocks back 30 minutes instead of 60?  Time is a flat circle, and also sort of a social construct in terms of the way we label it, right?  So that would screw up the rest of the world, so what?  That would probably be the least egregious way the United States has inconvenienced or harmed the world with our entitled little exceptionalist attitude.  

Well this just brought into question everything I thought I understood about life.  Every day, multiple times a day, children will ask me a question and as I type in search terms their jaws hit the floor as they gape at my gazelle-like typing speed.  "How can you type so fast??" they marvel.  And I usually just say, "Years and years of practice," but if I have more time I try to explain about the home keys and using all your fingers instead of pecking with your pointer fingers, but in my mind I'm always like, "This is for you, Mavis, I hope I'm doing you proud, Mrs. Beacon."  And it turns out, spoiler, SHE WASN'T REAL.

I mean I am probably the size of just one of the legs Mr. The Rock is going to be working on following the meal in this picture, but I feel like if I really wanted to I could go fork to fork with him on this breakfast.  Maybe swap the sirloin for some smoked salmon, but I'm there for the rest of it.

Stop what you're doing.  Put down your drink.  Cancel your plans.  Nobody cares about the actual point of this article, but it has to be emphasized that there is a boat named the EVER URANUS just floating around out there on the ocean.  How many seamen are aboard Ever Uranus?  How much cargo can Ever Uranus hold?  These are the questions that hard-hitting journalism needs to answer for the people.

Idaho always has to take it up a notch in the legal department.  This time it's not something stupid and ultimately harmless (if you're not a wild animal) like allowing people with handicap placards to hunt from their vehicle.  This time it's a real abomination, and such a violation of a woman's bodily autonomy and privacy.  I just can't.

Analog Reading:

I'm still Standing.  But I'm trying to break it up a little with some shorter, lighter reading.

Love in the Time of Contagion by Laura Kipnis, which is not lighter, exactly, but it was substantially shorter.  I thought it was going to be more substantive, or more research-based, with more historical context, but it's very anecdotal and not all that interesting.  

Sometimes I Trip on How Happy We Could Be, an essay collection by Nichole Perkins, a cultural critic and writer who grew up in Nashville.  It is a treat.  And you know me and treats.  I don't keep 'em in the house because I have no self control, so naturally, I'm binging on this one 'til it hurts.  Will finish today.

Syllabus #143

Sweet merciful christ.  It's finally Spring Break. Never mind that it snowed yesterday and went down to 18 degrees last night.  Never mind that I scheduled a service appointment to get the AC in my car fixed, after procrastinating the repair for four years because I'm cheap and lazy.  Yes, I lived through FOUR swampass Middle Tennessee summers with car AC that worked for sometimes a few minutes and sometimes not at all, because I was afraid the repair was going to be expensive and put my car out of commission for days.  It cost $150 and 3.5 hours of my life.  Aside from that shame, I assumed, like a schmuck, that I'd be real pleased to have a functioning air conditioner in my car right about now, instead of blasting the heat while I scrape away snow.  

But you know what, there are perhaps some larger issues for us all to worry about, right?  Like, do I need to order potassium iodide tablets for radiation exposure in the event of nuclear war?  Turns out, if you're over 40, probably not.  You have to be exposed to very large amounts of radiation for the iodine to be more helpful than harmful, and something tells me thyroid cancer isn't your biggest problem if that happens.  And since Andy kindly referred to me as 'pushing 40' the other day, I'm gonna shuffle myself into that category where you are better off sticking your head between your knees and kissing your ass goodbye.  Because I'm cheap and don't feel like spending - wait weren't we just here?

I'm only being insufferable when I complain about agonizing over whether or not I need iodine.  Millions of Ukrainian refugees actually do need something, and here are some ways to help.  

Does birth control cause depression?  Can I volunteer to be exhibit A?  Because on the traditional dosage where you have 21 active pills and 7 placeholder pills in a 28 day cycle, I was UNHINGED.  I was functioning but I was a stone cold lunatic about anything that made me mad or hurt my feelings.  I was a big ol' bitch to everyone around me.  On the low-dose pill, it would be a touch too charitable to say I'm fully hinged, but maybe if we're dragging out this metaphor and talking about a door with three hinges, all the hinges are there, and one of them is fully attached, but the other two are missing a screw or three, and the pins aren't driven in all the way, but they're getting the job done.  All the necessary equipment is there, but a good slam could send it all to hell. 

Analog Reading:

This is going to be repetitive for a couple weeks.  Or maybe I'll finish The Stand this week?  I dunno.  I'm about 1/3 of the way through it.  I have opinions but considering the relatively small portion of the book I've consumed at this point, maybe I should reserve my judgment for later.  I might take a break from our boy Stevie after I finish Book One and read something a little shorter/less grotesque.

Syllabus #142

What is there to say, really?  The whole world has felt like a trash fire for at least the last 6 years (but who's counting?) but we dropped some especially combustible shit on the top of the pile lately.  We went from the glowing embers of a world experiencing a momentary ebb in covid cases, to the raging inferno of a world where nuclear plants are on fire from enemy shellfire?  So whatever I have to say here is of no consequence.  If you feel like doing something, I hear World Central Kitchen has a 100% on Charity Navigator and Chef Jose Andres and his crew are feeding Ukranian refugees in various locations, so there's that.

I couldn't agree with this more.  Clown cars for everyone.  

Speaking of piles of burning refuse, let's add some kindling - there goes young people's access to information, there go the careers of librarians and teachers...

Analog Reading:

Finished Station Eleven.  It came to a satisfying conclusion.  I love a book where you at least find out what became of the important players, even if it wasn't the outcome you hoped for or expected.  I loved this book but I think I want to let it simmer on the back burner of my brain before I watch the TV show.  Honestly who am I kidding, I'll probably never watch the show, but I'm curious about it now that I've read the book.

Reading Stephen King's The Stand.  Buckle up, y'all, because this is the unabridged version that clocks in over 1300 pages so this is going to take a minute.  I'm currently on page 127 and my Kindle took the liberty of informing me that I have read only 10% of the book.  I have never read a Stephen King novel before.  Short stories and On Writing, but no novels.  Andy recommended it as another good pandemic novel to follow Station Eleven, and it's an interesting enough premise so far, but I just wish the guy would stop using the n word.  It adds nothing to the story or the characterization of the people using the word, and I know the book was written decades ago but I just can't get past the fact that no white person ever on earth has any business using the Hard-R N Word, in speech or in writing.