Hello and welcome to the show

Funny how I swore that working wouldn't preclude me from blogging.  Of course I will still write all the time, I claimed.  If anything, having a job will just be grist for the mill.  Fodder for the pigs, if you will.  Well, that was wishful thinking.  Working takes up a lot of time and makes you tired!  (Whereas unemployment makes you tired because you're either starving or drunk on Carlo Rossi.  Or both.  Old friend, that Carlo.)

Here's how my day usually goes:

5:00 - Wake up!  Get the shower, put on the face, chug the coffee, eat the oatmeal, do the hair, put on the clothes, evaluate the clothes, probably change the clothes a couple times
6:50 - Attempt to leave for work; sometimes successful, sometimes not
7:05-7:20 - Arrive at work in this window, depending on how many school buses assert their priorities all up in my driving space
7:10-2:30 - Do some things with the books and the reading and the shushing
2:50 - Get home, eat a snack, decompress a little, get changed
3:30 - Go to the gym and totally WERK IT (and sometimes get on a cardio machine and watch Oprah)
5:00 - Head home from the gym
5:20 - Depending on how schweaty I got from werking it, get another shower
5:30 - Start making dinner, even though a little piece of me dies every time I don't get to eat dinner at 5:30 on the dot because, at heart, I am an 80 year old woman trapped in the body of a 25 year old
6:00-6:30 - Put dinner on the table somewhere in this general range
7:00 - Do the dishes, clean up the kitchen, pack tomorrow's lunch, set out my breakfast accoutrements for the morning (because I'm not enough of a functional human being to do any such tasks in a timely fashion so early in the morning)
7:20 - Pick out my outfit for the next day
7:30 - Talk to my mom on the phone (i.e. whine about something and/or hear about something adorable or super smart that Linus did that day)
8:00 - Park it on the couch, where I will spend the next hour and a half intermittently drooling, reading other people's blogs, and watching TV (Mad Men from Netflix or the Thursday night NBC lineup if it's a good night, random garbage if it's not)
9:30 - Get in bed and read until my eyes start to close involuntarily and my hands lose their grip on the book
9:34 - Put down book, turn out light
2:00 - Get up to pee
2:30 - Wake up again because large upstairs neighbor is slamming even larger girlfriend on squeaky mattress with loose headboard
3:00 - Eventually fall asleep again to the thought that if upstairs guy knocks up his girlfriend, at least they are already used to being awake in the middle of the night, but if they asked me to babysit I would totally sell it on the black market, or teach it to say the F word, and also I would charge them $100 an hour
5:00 - WAKE UP AND DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN OH MY GOD

So really, as mundane and inconsequential as my daily routine is, there's a scant 1.5 hour window where my time isn't devoted to anything in particular.  By then, however, my brain and body are beginning to shut down. 

Which is why now, more than ever, I am pleasantly surprised when I see that anyone is still reading!  I especially enjoy examining the phrases people have googled to ultimately find this blog.  Just this week alone, the following phrases were responsible for hits (whether or not those people stayed and read anything is another matter, but I'll take what I can get):

• danny devito eating trash
• homesick jersey
• is peaches a drag king
• panty missing laundry
• south park "close encounters of the turd kind"

Thank you, you are all wonderful.  If you are reading this blog as a result of any of those hilarious search phrases, welcome.  May I suggest that you start reading some of the August and September entries, as I believe I was significantly more creative and entertaining when I was unemployed.