I made the mistake of reading this article the morning of a dentist appointment. Fortunately, my oral hygiene is impeccable and every dentist I've ever patronized as an adult has fawned over my beautiful teeth. I guess you have to really have a hardon for teeth to express such a strong opinion (or be a dentist in the South, where having all your teeth is an accomplishment unto itself), but they're all accounted for, straight enough, and white enough*, so I'll take it. I guess the expander and braces that made me the envy of the entire 7th grade paid off, so thanks for that, mom. Also, thanks for not feeding me a bottle of Mountain Dew in my crib every night.
*The only time a gathering of multiple dozens of straight, white things should rewarded by society is when we're talking about teeth
Speaking of things only tangentially related to dentistry: Dental dams, can you handle it? Have you ever seen one? If you did, did you mistake it for a fruit roll up? In a pinch, can you use a fruit roll up as a dental dam? What about that reusable beeswax stuff that we're supposed to be using in place of plastic wrap so the earth doesn't spontaneously combust before all my friends' kids are old enough to vote? Asking for a friend.
Oh good, looks like I'm very on trend, as usual. I knew if I just kept posting uncurated, unflattering trash on Instagram everyone would realize how cool that is. Because not caring about being cool makes you cool, right?
Have you ever had weird conversations with Trader Joes cashiers? I've had more weird experiences at Publix, to the point where I stopped shopping there. They always wanted to know what I was going to make with the ingredients I was buying, which I guess is not entirely out of line, but invariably I would be buying ingredients that seemed foreign, if not extraterrestrial, to the South Carolinian teenager scanning my groceries. Like, I get it, I'm cooking a dinner that you can't order from the Bojangles drive-through and that's going to raise some eyebrows.
The most awkward scenario arose when I was buying ear plugs, cat food, and a cucumber. That's it. Pretty standard, cut and dry case of, "Hope you got the SPCA on speed dial because I'm going home to do some unspeakable things to my cat." Or, you know, we were out of cat food, I was making a salad, and Andy was going on a business trip and sharing a hotel room with a guy who snores. But NOBODY asks "what are you doing with all this stuff?" and expects such a boring, logical answer. Clearly, the only way to keep the magic alive without getting arrested for animal sodomy was to say, "Oh, you don't wanna know," and then never returning to that Publix, ever.
Offline Reading: Too much at the moment, an abbreviated list
- Lindy West's Shrill - I like how frank she is about topics relating to women's bodies. I mean, that's kind of her whole stock in trade, but she's good at it, and she's funny as hell.
- Elena Ferrante's Those Who Leave and Those Who Stay - The 3rd book in the Neapolitan novel tetralogy. It's interesting to read this book at the same time as Shrill because it's another window into a woman's inner life and complex feelings about how to navigate her relationships and body, but from an entirely different time period and cultural milieu.
- The May issue of Oprah - duh
- Lonely Planet Ecuador - gathering ideas for our trip this summer
- Anna Burns' Milkman - Having a hard time getting into this one, to be honest, but I'm giving it a shot
- Lori Gottlieb's Maybe You Should Talk to Someone: A therapist, her therapist, and our lives revealed - Haven't actually started reading this yet, but the author was on Fresh Air and Terry could pull an interesting conversation out of a pet rock, so naturally the book sounded interesting
- Españolistos Podcast. Gotta get good.
- Laura Jane Grace and the Devouring Mothers - show tonight! It will be a highly ill-advised Sunday night outing, but sometimes the FOMO outweighs the FOSD (fear of sleep deprivation, and who are we kidding, I'll still be tired whether I go to bed at 9 or 11)
So You've Decided to Purchase a Cassowary:
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