I had a dedicated and truly fabulous, life-saving volunteer with me the entire time, so I know from experience that flying solo would have been 1000% worse. But there's only so many times you can patiently explain the concept of "buy one get one free" to children and adults alike before certain veins in your neck start to swell. And only so many times you can choke back your frustration when a kid says, "I'm buying this 50 cent bookmark so I can get that $90 Harry Potter box set free!" before your eye starts twitching and you Google the warning signs of stroke.
After you repeatedly break a child's heart by telling them they can't buy anything with 35 cents, you start to feel dead in side. You realize trying to explain sales tax to a child who just learned to count is like trying to explain the internet to a member of a previously uncontacted Amazon tribe. And there's only zero times you can look at a child with a straight face when you hand them change and they dead ass ask you, "When did they start making ten dollar bills?"
I'm still processing a lot of trauma, so I'm not really here for the heavy stuff this week.
It's Cinco de Mayo. If your grasp of Spanish language and Mexican culture doesn't extend beyond sombreros and tequila, maybe don't throw a costume party for all your gringo friends?
This is going to be the song of the summer, FOR SURE. I might pull a Two Princes and just fill up an MP3 player with as many iterations of this song as it will hold.
We watch Bill Maher every week. I realize he's super polarizing and I don't necessarily think even he believes everything he says, but the panel discussions are usually thought-provoking. This week's New Rules segment was truly spectacular. Skip to the 7:35 mark for the money shot, Moby stirring wet ramen with a dildo (which is not a sentence any of us, least of all Moby, probably ever thought would need to be uttered).
Watching other people spend money all week has me itching to order things that I'll try on, hate, and return:
Are we still wearing jumpsuits? If you wore rompers in the early 90s, should you not wear them now? Mom, if you're reading this, I know you have a picture of us in matching rompers somewhere. Can we make that photo happen?
I would like these earrings only a little less if they were called Sad in North Korea, but the name really seals the deal for me: Happy in Finland drop earrings
Eating: Leftover Pad Thai from Smiling Elephant. I asked for the max level of spice, "Thai Spicy," because the menu basically taunted, "you won't!" and we all know I eat like I have something to prove. It was delicious but surprisingly less spicy than I would have hoped, so I wondered if the waitress thought, "Oh white lady, nice try, but no," and wrote down medium. The portion size was bonkers, and despite eating to the point of great physical discomfort, I still brought home a full takeout box. I ate some for lunch today and then went out for a run. I no longer doubt the level of spice, because I now understand what it feels like to run 4 miles with a lit tiki torch bouncing around in your gullet.
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Hasta la proxima vez, amigos.
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