Are You My Father?

When that big, bearded Pat Sajak in the sky spun the wheel of fortune that would determine who my mother would be, the wheel landed on 'Caribbean Cruise'.  My mom is awesome, and fun.  Except when she is lecturing me about winter highway safety via Gchat from 2000 miles away, like she is at this moment.  But still, I love her.  However, when Deity Pat Sajak spun the wheel a second time, for my father, he landed on 'bankrupt'.  I mean, this was the 80's, so Pat was probably plastered at the time, but still.  Bad move.  My dad was not winning any Father of the Year awards.  I will leave it at that for now. 

[Sidenote:  I can't stand Wheel of Fortune.  I just.  Can't.  Stand it.

I was raised by my mom and grandmom, with minimal, mostly unpleasant weekend interludes with my father that usually entailed him watching football with his buddies and getting drunk while I sat in a corner reading a book with my shirt collar over my face to block out some of the second-hand smoke.  Because of this, I sometimes fantasize about who I would pick for a dad if I had a choice.  As a purely hypothetical exercise, I even allow myself to be a little creepy and pick would-be fathers based on how hot they are.  Sometimes, that makes me question my sanity, so I was thrilled to realize I'm not the only person with some kind of disturbing Electra complex when I read this post on Hello Giggles last week.  The author makes some intriguing selections for her list of "Men I Would Equally Like to Date and Have Be My Father," including the obvious George Clooney and the highly questionable Jerry Orbach.

I think my list would not be that inappropriate from a romantic perspective, but it is much less realistic on the father side with respect to the ages/sexual orientations of these potential incestuous suitor-fathers.

1.  Jon Hamm

He's very handsome, which would mean that I would most likely inherit some good genes.  Also, he has this innate goofiness to his smile that makes me think he would probably be a pretty fun dad, especially for little kids.  However, he's only 41, and I might have a hard time respecting a dad who was 14 at the time of my conception.

2.  Woody Allen

No incest issues there.  Nope.  Also, bonus, Jewish.

3.  Elton John

I already have had the experience of basically being raised by two moms, albeit straight ones, so I bet it would be a hell of a ride to have two dads, one of whom is Elton freaking John.

4.  Brad Pitt

He has so many kids already, what's one more?  He won't even notice.  And maybe...just maybe...in a really dark room...if he was under the influence of a fistful of roofies...he might mistake me for his wife. 

5.  Tom Hanks

Consistently regarded as one of the nicest and most trustworthy people in Hollywood.  How could you go wrong?  His real-life son seems to have turned into a decent human being, so there's that.  Just as long as he's more like the Tom Hanks from Apollo 13 and not Forrest Gump.

6.  Jeff Bridges

The dude abides, that's all I'm saying. 

7.  Bert

I can't even begin to explain this one, suffice to say that there was a very long succession of plush Bert dolls that never left my tiny little fist during my entire toddlerhood.

8.  Clint Eastwood

Boyfriends of the past would have cowered in sheer terror if Clint Eastwood answered the door.  Clint Eastwood via Dirty Harry or Gran Torino would have ripped multiple new ones in the handful of misguided, ritalin-addled kids who tormented me from 6th through 8th grades.

9.  Paul Newman

We have this picture in our house of Paul Newman that guests often mistake for a picture of Andy.  Around 1970, my grandmom went through a decoupage phase.  For my mom, she Mod-Podged a magazine cutout of a profile view of Paul Newman, sitting in a rowboat drinking coffee, onto an 8" x 10" wooden plank.  Years later, I found it in a closet and made it my own.  Paul Newman was an all-around good guy and philanthropist, and I have a feeling that with eyes that blue, he could have grounded me for a year and I wouldn't have cared.

10.  Anderson Cooper

The quintessential silver fox.  He's so smart, and witty, and cute!  Have you ever SEEN that video of Anderson giggling?  I'm too lazy to find it now, but just google "Anderson Cooper giggling" and I'm sure you'll find it.

Wildcard:  Ellen DeGeneres

Who says a woman can't be a father?  My mom and grandmom basically had to be both mother AND father for me.  I bet Ellen would do a bang-up job, too.