Spring has sprung in East Nashville, and with it, a source of irritation for many. This species is more invasive than the Bradford Pear, and the detritus it deposits in the streets leaves an odor worse than fallen gingko berries. The Latin name for this scourge is festus bachelorettus, the common North American Bachelorette Party.
This species is easy to identify by a number of characteristics. It travels in packs called "bride tribes," which are led by a Queen, similar to the social hierarchy of ant colonies or bee hives. This bride tribe can be heard from afar with their distinct mating call, a loud and exuberant, "WOO!" issued by the Queen, and often echoed by all members of the group.
Plumage consists of loose, barrel-curled waves in various blonde tones, often topped with a cowboy hat, because "Nashvegas, bitch." Similarly, bacheloretti usually cover their hooves with cowboy boots newly purchased for the occasion, resulting in a stilted, colt-like gait that is exacerbated by excessive alcohol consumption. Extra ornamentation often comes in the form of satin sashes bearing phrases such as, "Last Fling Before the Ring," or simply, "Bride Tribe." Bolder, more aggressive members of the species don necklaces strung with penis-shaped beads, which experts theorize is an ancient fertility rite.
The bachelorettus maintains two distinct habitats at this time of year, one for nesting and one for preening or seeking a temporary mate. The nesting usually occurs at a "super cute Airbnb" located within walking distance of a source of brunch (see below for eating habits). In the evening, packs of bacheloretti travel by rideshare to their preening grounds, Lower Broadway. It is in this zone that the bachelorettus takes its most recognizable form. The roar of WOOs is nearly deafening as competing tribes flit from pedal taverns to honky tonks, gaining strength by consuming whiskey-based elixirs.
The Queen is rarely the strongest member of the tribe, as Queens are frequently in a weakened state from a prolonged period of fasting and overexercising. When the night is over for the Queen, a series of nonverbal cues signal to the rest of the tribe that it is time to travel back to the nesting zone. These cues include crying, vomiting, and engaging in pre-mating rituals with members of a closely related species, the brosephus basicus.
The morning after this preening ritual, bacheloretti are ravenous and must seek sustenance in the form of the aforementioned brunch. Brunch locations are often swarming with these hungry tribes, eager to replenish their stores with bottomless mimosas and avocado toast. Fueled accordingly, the tribes will return to the Airbnb to engage in prolonged grooming rituals in preparation for another night of preening and temporary mate seeking. It truly is the circle of life.
No comments:
Post a Comment