I heard there’s recently been a surge of pro-life/anti-choice protesters outside Planned Parenthood because it’s Lent. Am I missing something, here? Aren't you supposed to give something up for Lent? What does harassing women who are either seeking routine medical care or making a private, difficult, and deeply considered decision have to do with Lent? I guess they gave up minding their own damn business?
Surely they haven't given up respecting women's bodily autonomy, because I'm pretty sure God isn't impressed if you claim to give up an action you never did in the first place. That would be like me saying, even though I'm a pescatarian, I'm giving up eating steak for Lent. It's meaningless! It doesn't count!
It’s ok though, I have my sign ready for the counter protest:
Surely they haven't given up respecting women's bodily autonomy, because I'm pretty sure God isn't impressed if you claim to give up an action you never did in the first place. That would be like me saying, even though I'm a pescatarian, I'm giving up eating steak for Lent. It's meaningless! It doesn't count!
It’s ok though, I have my sign ready for the counter protest:
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| Papa Don't Preach: I'm not keeping my baby |
What else is going on right now? Oh, speaking of women’s rights, I trust you are all having a bitchin’ Women’s History Month.
As a librarian, I have my finger on the pulse of monthlong recognitions that require thematic book displays. I assume everyone else is similarly aware? At any rate, each March, we female-identified humans enjoy 31 whole days of royal treatment perfunctory reminders of our gender's achievements despite the constant pressure of the thumb of the patriarchy.
I guess women should be grateful? I mean February is Black History Month and that’s only 28 days, which smells like bullshit to me, but what do I know. At least we're allowed to claim 100% of the month. I'm frankly surprised we don’t cut things off on the 25th, as if we've earned a scant 80% of the month.
I decided to lean into that pay gap mentality, though. All month long, I’m giving only 80% effort, especially on traditionally gendered or domestic tasks. I stop doing laundry when it’s 80% dry. The problem with that is that wearing wet underwear is definitely going to give me a yeast infection and Andy does his own laundry so I’m really just being a martyr and shouldering unnecessary emotional labor here. But honestly, can you think of anything more fitting for Women’s History Month?
I leave 20% of my legs unshaven. And not the top 20%. I'm talking boots with the fur, except I supply the fur.
I got only 80% of a Brazilian, which I think is called a Sicilian.
I guess women should be grateful? I mean February is Black History Month and that’s only 28 days, which smells like bullshit to me, but what do I know. At least we're allowed to claim 100% of the month. I'm frankly surprised we don’t cut things off on the 25th, as if we've earned a scant 80% of the month.
I decided to lean into that pay gap mentality, though. All month long, I’m giving only 80% effort, especially on traditionally gendered or domestic tasks. I stop doing laundry when it’s 80% dry. The problem with that is that wearing wet underwear is definitely going to give me a yeast infection and Andy does his own laundry so I’m really just being a martyr and shouldering unnecessary emotional labor here. But honestly, can you think of anything more fitting for Women’s History Month?
I leave 20% of my legs unshaven. And not the top 20%. I'm talking boots with the fur, except I supply the fur.
I got only 80% of a Brazilian, which I think is called a Sicilian.
I stop cooking when food is 80% done. Let me tell you, the resulting salmonella has been an unexpected weight loss hack! I’ve also been eating until I’m only 80% full. I’m taking up so much less space these days, it seems I have 20% fewer reasons to apologize.
[Hold on, I know I said I'm apologizing less, but I really didn't feel good typing that, even for satirical purposes. Let me break the fourth wall here, as if I haven't been speaking directly to the audience (of 1, hi Mom!) the entire time. Ladies! You are smart and you know this already, but go 'head girl and take up as much damn space as you want. In other words, don't just sit around the house - sit around the house, if you know what I'm saying. Ugh. Clearly, I need to do some work on myself. My mind, not my body, my body is fine the way it is and so is yours! I need to work on framing body positivity in an actually positive way instead of bringing down the house with a 'your momma's so fat' joke. So in closing, I'm not going to apologize, but I do promise to try to do better.]
P.S. I take my pubic hair fashion cues from HBO's The Deuce. If I ever spontaneously decide that paying someone to pour hot wax on my crotch and rip out all the hair is a good idea, that's a cry for help and a sign that a psychiatric evaluation is in order. No shade to the miracle working aestheticians of the world, but that particular procedure is not for me.
[Hold on, I know I said I'm apologizing less, but I really didn't feel good typing that, even for satirical purposes. Let me break the fourth wall here, as if I haven't been speaking directly to the audience (of 1, hi Mom!) the entire time. Ladies! You are smart and you know this already, but go 'head girl and take up as much damn space as you want. In other words, don't just sit around the house - sit around the house, if you know what I'm saying. Ugh. Clearly, I need to do some work on myself. My mind, not my body, my body is fine the way it is and so is yours! I need to work on framing body positivity in an actually positive way instead of bringing down the house with a 'your momma's so fat' joke. So in closing, I'm not going to apologize, but I do promise to try to do better.]
P.S. I take my pubic hair fashion cues from HBO's The Deuce. If I ever spontaneously decide that paying someone to pour hot wax on my crotch and rip out all the hair is a good idea, that's a cry for help and a sign that a psychiatric evaluation is in order. No shade to the miracle working aestheticians of the world, but that particular procedure is not for me.
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