A Murder of Schnauzers

*No schnauzers or other animals were harmed in the production of this thought piece*

**Also, this is not a thought piece, it's just me blowing smoke up your collective ass**

Scientists have proven that crows are masters of holding a grudge.  They remember the faces of humans who have wronged them, and will squawk aggressively at them years after the initial offense.  What's more impressive is that an individual crow can transfer their grudge to other crows, much like a middle school mean girl. Woe is the person who offends a crow, because it won't be long before the whole murder has turned against you.

I'm about to break ground on some new research, based on the hypothesis that crows aren't the only animals that can telepathically transfer a grudge to other members of their own kind.  Based on close observation, I have reason to believe that schnauzers also possess this ability.

Hear me out.  I'm going to break this down according to the scientific method:

Hypothesis:  Schnauzers possess a crow-like ability to hold a grudge and transfer that grudge to other schnauzers who didn't witness the original offending incident

Precipitating event:  My mom's dog, Linus, has valid reasons for hating my dog, Charlie

Experimental group:  Another identical miniature schnauzer

Constant:  My dog, Charlie

Control Group:  Other random dogs

Exhibit A:  Linus

Exhibit B:  This lovable creep

My mom's dog, Linus, harbors a deep and unyielding hatred for my dog, Charlie.  Linus isn't a dog's dog.  He's like a precocious child who gets off on attention and praise from the adults around him and wants nothing to do with the drooling idiots in his peer group (which means my poor mom is now 2 for 2 on having to deal with smart jerks).  Needless to say, it did not go swimmingly when my mom and I tried to introduce our dogs.

In the spirit of full transparency, we went about this introduction in the dumbest way possible, by bringing Charlie into the house while Linus was outside, so the poor guy returned home from a walk to find this hulking interloper all up in his space.  Why did we do it that way?  I have no idea!  Linus lost his gahtdamn mind and of course Charlie did, too, out of sheer terror.  It was a strange sight, to see a 20-pound miniature schnauzer do the canine equivalent of pulling out his earrings and screaming, "I don't like people playing on my fucking phone!" while sweet, dopey, 50-pound Charlie did his best to keep up by howling out what I have to assume were the dog equivalent of unintelligible excuses and apologies.

We managed to separate the dogs before their verbal altercation led to physical bloodshed, and both dogs are committed to avoiding each other until the end of time.  I thought that was the end of it.  The dogs would remain estranged and we would never speak of this again.  Water under the bridge.  Charlie continues to turn himself inside out with excitement at the sight of other dogs, and continues to have zero inhibitions about humping any dog that is trusting enough to stand still in his presence.

Charlie is the polar opposite of Linus.  He a dog's dog, for sure.  He takes it to an extreme that makes my heart bleed a little, though.  He's like the sheltered, over-eager kid on the playground who wants to share his Pogs with everyone, but all the other kids are like, dude, what century are you living in, we're over here on the seesaw making prank videos for our monetized YouTube channel.  He is so desperate for approval but so clueless about how to attain it, that other dogs sometimes find him off-putting.

Sometimes, when medicated, Charlie can hold his shit together and act casual when he sees another dog.  It's hit or miss as to whether there will be more than a tug on the leash or a pitiful whimper of FOMO when Charlie crosses paths with other dogs.  We live in an apartment and neighborhood lousy with dogs, and there are no particular dogs that have a beef with Charlie.  One day they may bark at each other, another day they may ignore each other completely.  There is an asshole dog on our floor that snarls and bodyslams his front door whenever we walk by, but he's an equal opportunity dickhead and doesn't limit himself to hating Charlie. 

The sole exception to this pretty average dog behavior is what brings us back to the experiment.  There is a miniature schnauzer named Kingsley living at the end of our hall that looks identical to Linus in every way.  That doesn't sound remarkable for two dogs of the same breed, but mini schnauzers vary widely in stature and fur color, so I stand by my position.  His owners are lovely people so I don't blame them for this in the slightest, but this dog has it out for Charlie for reasons none of us can understand.  The first time they crossed paths, the dog went full Hannibal Lecter.  There was clearly either a mental imbalance or a deep and unspeakable vendetta behind his rage.

We all have our bad days, though.  Of course next time would be different.  Except it wasn't.  Unbridled hatred, the likes of which would make a human with high cholesterol stroke out in a blaze of glory.  And the third time, more of the same.

Just yesterday, Charlie and I were coming around a bend in the street on our way home from a walk.  I spied Kingsley's owner coming towards us from a distance, but due to the curve of the road and a low retaining wall in someone's front yard, the dogs couldn't see each other.  I proactively crossed the street to avoid a throw-down that would make the Sharks and the Jets look like Mr. Rogers and Raffi.  Charlie was none the wiser, and trotted along happily, his view of the other side of the street mostly blocked by parked cars.  Kingsley, on the other hand, looked over his shoulder and locked eyes on Charlie blithely strutting away and, dear reader, I've run out of colorful metaphors for being pissed off.  He just lost his shit, alright?  Totally lost it.

I'm no Cesar Millan, but there is obviously there's no possible explanation for this behavior other than schnauzer telepathy and collective grudge holding.  It's the only rational explanation.

I'm publishing my preliminary findings here, but keep in mind this study has not yet been peer reviewed or replicated.  I would like to pursue this inquiry further before I submit the article to the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, which will surely accept it for publication.  If you are an animal behaviorist interested in running your own independent trial, please contact me in the comments and we can arrange for you to take Charlie away to a place where there are other schnauzers he has not yet had a chance to offend.