The Update Nobody Asked For

Because "The Update For Which Nobody Asked" would be grammatically correct, yet so pretentious as to increase my bounce rate* to 100%.

Beavis and Butthead taught me never to end a sentence in a preposition.  It's educational, kids!

Charlie's not dead yet.  I don't mean that in a "bless his little heart, he's still fighting," sense.  I mean it in the sense that the vet threw out the possibility of a random terminal diagnosis for no reason whatsoever.  Well, I suspect her reason was motivated by dollar dollar bills, y'all.  Of course a chest X-ray to rule out an enlarged heart would have cost me more money.

His paw is healed, his cough went away pretty much the moment we arrived at the vet's office, and he's only moderately itchy.  His tenure wearing the cone of shame has come to a merciful end.  For him.  For us it was mostly just hilarious to watch him try to pick up his bone with the cone obstructing his face.  It was a real boon that he was unable to fit his face into his bowl to drink to excess, too.

Charlie's Angels.  In the right lighting, he almost looks saintly.

This is my Charlie.  There are no others like him, and (unfortunately) this one is mine.  I do love him, but he's a complicated, difficult dog.  He's like your drunk uncle who can't stop spouting off about some shit he saw on Fox News.  He's a big teddy bear when he's sober, though.  In this analogy, the outside world is Charlie's 30-rack of Coors Banquet Beer, and inside our apartment is sobriety.  He's a total fuzzy pile of cuddles at home, but try and take him out into polite society and he's a stone cold maniac.  Just yesterday, he nearly dislocated my arm to lunge at a guy riding a Bird scooter while his dog ran beside him, as I was picking up his poop.  How I didn't end up bleeding and covered in feces is one of life's great mysteries. 

Every story should end with that rhetorical question.  Forget, "and then I found $5."  It's time we escalate things.


*Absolutely true fact:  My uncle invented the term "bounce rate."  However, he is not the metaphorical drunk uncle in the aforementioned analogy.