*Why is it active, exactly. As opposed to passive? I feel like active diarrhea is the kind you would want. It seems to imply that you are actively moving your bowels. Passive diarrhea sounds way worse, leaking out without your permission. Passive diarrhea just leaves a note on the counter asking you if you could maybe please get to the bathroom sometime if it's not too much trouble. Or maybe that's passive aggressive diarrhea.
 |
| Not my leg, not my unicorn |
Invitation ambiguity is the real epidemic we have to rout from our culture before we can be whole again. It's a two-way street, though. Sure, invitations could stand to be a little more explicit, but let's also talk about how often people cannot be bothered to acknowledge receipt of your invitation, much less commit to an affirmative or negative response!
It's a small dinner party, Karen, I need to know how much food and alcohol to buy! It's at most a 3-hour time commitment. I'm not asking you to form a human centipede with me and the rest of our acquaintances so you can spend the rest of eternity sewn to my sphincter digesting my predigested food! A simple yes or no answer will suffice! Your silence is much more hurtful and infuriating than you think your decline will be, which is pretty conceited of you. You're not Oprah for chrissakes. I only invited you to be polite and because you were my B-list after Oprah graciously RSVP'ed immediately that she and Gail would be busy steaming their vaginas at Gwyneth's that night. And you know she sent her regrets along with one of those astonishingly expensive bespoke seasonal gift baskets from that month's O List because she has class, unlike you, Karen.
I don't even know a Karen.
I bet Aunt Becky wishes she read this article before she dropped fat stacks on her dumb-dumb kid's college admission. Going into space with NASA used to be more competitive than getting into Harvard, but now you can buy your way in, fair and square!
 |
| I didn't make this, but I wish I did. Her safe word in the showers is "have mercy" and her prison nickname is Becky With the Good Hair. |
"I'm from New Jersey and I'm proud about it. I love the Garden State." I don't know why, but I get a twinge of pride whenever the worlds of my ancestral homeland and my hometown du jour collide, and this is no exception.
Good. Fly 'em high and fly 'em proud.
Here's a hot beauty hack for you - hemorrhoid wipes are soaked in witch hazel, so you can totally use them to remove makeup. That is, if you don't mind being called an ass-face.
What in the actual fuck? I don't even know where to start with this one. Is there a beef, or is this just for funsies? Why a UFC fight and not a duel, or even a potato sack race?
Are we sure about this one, guys? All I'm seeing is dorky book-related song parodies. Not a single bong rip or nip slip to be found.
At the time of this writing, I have had exactly four units of alcohol during the year of our lord two thousand and nineteen. Two of them were beer, and I would totally drink a good non-alcoholic craft beer if that was an option. My favorite part about not drinking most of the time is being able to feel judgy towards sloppy drunk people. If I can enjoy a deliciously pretentious IPA and while keeping my superiority complex intact, that's the next best thing to zero-calorie ice cream (miss me with that styrofoam-tasting Halo Top bullshit, by the way).
 |
| Trash Panda Cannabis Infused - The liquid Turducken of illicit substances |
What else? Oh, did you just ask how I'm progressing with my Docket of Shit to Do? Thank you for asking. I have done the following additional tasks:
- Signed up for not one but three volunteer projects (food pantry and "condom barista" at PRIDE, if you are curious)
- Performed at not one but three comedy open mics
- Painted a picture:
 |
| If you've ever met Ajax, you understand that this is the acrylic paint equivalent of an aura photograph |
No comments:
Post a Comment