Really, anyone would scream if they saw the frozen-treat-dispensing-vehicle that has been lurking around my neighborhood. And I once saw someone buy a bag of drugs from a fake ice cream truck in an alley in North Philly, so when I say this is a terrifying ice cream situation, you have to believe me.
There is this man. I call him a man because I don't know how else to describe him, without using cultural references like "Skeletor" or "Voldemort". He looks like death personified. Deep, sunken eyes surrounded by dark circles. A skeletal face, no hair. A penetrating, soul-sucking glare.
I have seen him twice now, and I am afraid that it's a sign. An omen. If I see him one more time I will die a sudden and mysterious death. I first saw him as he was driving out of my apartment complex when I was coming home from work. Slowly lurking down the street, glaring at passersby. Glaring at me.
I saw him again today while I was running. He was driving south, towards my apartment complex. Still glaring.
He drives an ice cream van. Not a truck. Not even a big 15-passenger van or a windowless child-molester utility van. A straight up late-90's Ford Windstar type of minivan. Like a, 'Thanks for the ride to soccer practice, mom,' kind of van.
I would have to imagine that he just has a couple Igloo coolers full of home-made fudgesicles rolled in broken glass on his back seat. And probably a 10 year old boy tied up with duct tape, still wearing his soccer cleats and shin guards, with a rapidly melting Klondike bar shoved in his mouth. Imagine is all I can do, really, since his windows are darkly tinted and mostly covered over in grotesquely cheerful posters of ice cream products.
His van plays "It's a Small World" on a continuous loop. It's especially disturbing because it sounds like the recording was made from a Casio keyboard with several broken keys. Every phrase or so in the song, one note will be either jarringly flat or just sound like a car accident.
It's hard to believe that this is real life. I mean what? The hell? If Andy hadn't been with me the first time I saw him, I would have to assume that, at best, the intense sunlight was causing me to hallucinate, or at worst, I must have a brain tumor. Driving home from work, we turned the corner into our complex, talking excitedly about something. All of a sudden, our conversation halted and Andy instinctively slowed the car as we took in this very confusing, very terrifying sight. It's just...I can't even...I don't know. I just don't know.
I wish there was a video of this. When I lived in New Brunswick, there was an ice cream (drug) truck that would roar down our street in the middle of the night, and in the daytime an ice cream truck that played Christmas songs. On both coasts I have had the bad luck of living in neighborhoods within earshot of where the ice cream truck would park for awhile, yet it would always be out of sight. I would have to listen to the "Do your ears hang low?" or Christmas music on loop but I could never find the ice cream!!!!!
ReplyDeleteBut this sounds much worse.
Creepazoid! If I wasn't afraid you'd get shot I'd suggest you try to buy ice cream from him, just to see what would happen.
ReplyDelete