If it sounds too good to be true...

Then you're probably in for a disturbing turn of events.

In the previous post, I bemoan the trials of apartment searching from afar.  We have some promising leads on apartment complexes that may or may not accept our cat or have vacancies in units we can afford, but the searching has been tedious.  I have kind of a particular list of must-haves and must-not-haves because I feel like I've reached a point in my life where living in squalor is no longer charming.  I require a washer and dryer in-unit, a dishwasher and garbage disposal (I could be flexible here but only as a last resort), central air (so Andy doesn't turn into a crying, sweaty toddler from May through September), and two bedrooms because we both need large amounts of personal space and alone time.  I am adamantly opposed to drop ceilings, radiators, fake wood paneling, long commutes, and anything without parking space for two cars.  Throw in a cat with claws and you're looking at a mighty tall order, I know.

So we've been trolling good old craigslist.  There are plenty of apartments in South Jersey, but most are too far away from where we will be working, so they're out.  Then of course there are the really dumpy apartments or the really expensive ones, or the ones that are both dumpy and expensive because of the size or location.

After spending the last week scouring the internet  and obsessively checking craigslist for rentals, I happened upon a real gem.  An entire house with all the criteria on my list, in the perfect location.  A nice, tidy little house in a safe neighborhood.  But let's be real here, guys.  The best part about it was the price.  For the low, low price of $900 a month, and entire freaking house.  Naturally, I emailed the poster right away.  And this is the response I got:

Fear of God?  I have a fear of something, that's for sure.  But right now all I'm doing is thanking GOD I didn't give you my phone number or any information beyond my name and email address.  All I wanted to do was set up a meeting to see the house.  I didn't need to read a massive paragraph full of ellipses, run-on sentences, and severe grammatical errors detailing the woes of 'primitive death' from casual sex (wtf) in third-world countries.

To be fair, I'm going to assume this person's first language is not English, because, really.  I had to read this email about three times before I kind of understood what they were saying, and then I got even more confused.  Can Donna be a man's name, or did the dude write this email and sign it with his wife's name?  Because the author refers to 'my wife', and it's not every day that you meet a couple of lesbian evangelical christians.  Just sayin'.

My list of must-not-haves has just expanded.  Must not have borderline-illiterate religious zealot landlord.