The Isolation Journals - Day 94

Prompt:  What did you trade as a child for attachment, safety, or love?  Who did you think you needed to be in order to get those things?  And how do you see that pattern show up today?

--- My mom is going to read this on my blog, so allow me to interrupt myself with some 2009 Kanye - "Imma let you finish, but Joyce is the best mother of all time." Seriously.  The best.  Maybe even better than your best mom of all time.  Anything right with me is all due to my mom's unconditional love and, often, extreme overprotectiveness.  Who knows what kind of medieval malady or stranger danger scenario I would have succumbed to if not for her watchful eye. Anything wrong with me is, at this point, honestly probably my own failing because I am a grownass woman and need to own my own shit.  But at one point, it was probs my dad's fault.  If I'm being really really honest, after 2 glasses of wine, it's still Larry's fault.  After my parents divorced when I was 5, I saw my dad most weekends, but he usually just drank with his buddies and watched football while I sat in a corner and read by myself.  He also made a lot of promises that we would do things that never happened. I didn't understand what I needed to do to make him actually pay attention to me and follow through on his promises, but eventually I got wind that he was bragging about my good grades to his friends.   I thought that must be the ticket.  Here I am, the good one, the one kid you didn't royally screw up.  Behold my straight A report card, stop watching golf, and pay attention to me for five fucking minutes.  I probably would have done well in school regardless, but I think I started attaching too much of my self-worth to academic achievement.  Looking back, maybe he did too.  I'm no conspiracy theorist, but all I'm saying is he did die less than a year after I finished college.  Oh my god, did I - did I kill him?  I knew I should have started grad school sooner... Wow that took a morbid turn!  I'm sorry if this seems crass or insensitive to those of you who have or had wonderful relationships with your fathers.  You are so very fortunate and I am happy for you.  That just was not my experience and it's sort of healing to call out the reasons why he had no business procreating and recognize that none of the terrible ways he treated me or my mom were our fault. And then I found five dollars!