Another One Bites the Crust

I'm going to take a break from my regularly scheduled cynicism 

to speak to you about a topic that is very serious.  

Pie.

First pie!  I am the best wife ever.

 My grandmom makes the best pie IN THE WORLD.  Hands down, not even a contest.  When she gave me her recipe for Pate Brisee (which is apparently is French for "short dough," a sneaky way of saying the crust is made with butter, and lots of it), I knew I had some little shoes to fill.  Because, when it comes to matters of the kitchen, having small feet is much better, because you can stand that much closer to the stove.  Since I have huge Sasquatch feet, I knew this would be a tight squeeze.

Of course, my grandmom is a Real Adult, and has a kitchen full of Things.  This recipe calls for a food processor, which I have not.  I have a blender, but somehow I don't think I want to chop up butter in the same machine I use to make my morning daiquiri(s).  [Mom, just for you, I'm going to come right out and assure you that was a joke.  You know I can't afford hard liquor.]   I realized I was going to have to get creative, as I really had no interest in chopping up two sticks of butter into 1/8" cubes by hand.

Due to my epically tight-fisted nature, I'm used to improvising.  I decided the best course of action would be to stick the butter in the freezer for a few minutes to get it nice and hard [I'll save you the trouble - that's what she said] and then use my completely kick ass Martha Stewart Grater to grate the butter, which sounds totally gross, but it worked beautifully.

Just as an aside, that grater is one of my favorite things in the kitchen.  You know when you're grating cheese with one of those stand-up graters, and it's flying everywhere and overflowing whatever plate or bowl you're using to catch the shavings?  Also know you need a certain amount, so you have to keep stopping to transfer the cheese to a measuring device, which is an huge inconvenience.  Well, Martha Stewart obviously had enough of this shredded dairy indignity, because this gadget is freaking perfect.

You're all, "Oh, I have to grate cheese now, but I'm not going to make a mess, because it's all dropping into this sealed container.  But, oh, no, I still need to know the volume of cheese I have grated.  What's that?  There are measurements printed on the side of this clear container?  Hallelujah, I have found the Holy Grail.  Christ himself would praise this wonderful cheese chalice."  At least, that's what I usually say out loud to myself when I'm using it.

Now, you, too, can make this delicious pie crust even if you aren't rich enough to have the wonderful contraption that is a food processor.  Even though you can find this recipe all over the internet, I'm going to reproduce it here, with helpful hints, because I'm so nice.

Pate Brisee

2 1/2 cups flour
1 tsp. salt
1 tbsp. sugar
2 sticks COLD butter cut into small cubes*
1/4 to 1/2 cup icy cold water (start with just 1/4 cup) 

Run Cuisinart NOT more than 30 seconds, adding remaining 1/4 cup of icy cold water 1 tsp. at a time until the mixture is no longer loose and powdery (if it is humid in your kitchen you probably won't need to use all the water; if you live in the desert, who knows, maybe you'll need more than 1/2 cup)**


Remove the dough mixture from the Cuisinart(or the mixing bowl if you're doing this the Luddite way).  Mold it into a big disc and then use the side of your hand, or a knife, whatever makes you feel better, to score it down the center so you can divide it roughly in half.  Wrap discs separately in plastic wrap and refrigerate for 30 minutes.  When you take the dough out of the fridge, let it rest a minute or two and then work quickly to roll it out and put in your filling - the crust won't be flaky if the butter gets all soft and melty before your pie gets to the oven.


If you're making a quiche or something without a top crust, the remaining disc can be frozen for up to 1 month.

*If you aren't cool enough for a food processor (or maybe you're too cool?), Cuisinart or otherwise, don't cut the butter.  Stick it in the freezer for about 15 minutes, then take it out after you have the other ingredients ready to go, and start grating like your life depends on it.  You must do this quickly, because cold butter is the key to a flaky crust. I would recommend using a grater with larger holes, because you don't want the butter to be so fine that it melts away under the heat of your hand.

**You are also going to have to do some work to get all these ingredients mixed together properly and quickly.  If you have a pie fork, awesome.  If not, just use a regular fork and whisk everything together (don't use an actual whisk, all your butter will get stuck inside the wires and you'll be sorry) and then use your hands to kind of squish everything together.  Just accept that you will be covered in butter before this is over.

As for the filling, that's up to you.  This crust is so good, you could fill it with dirt and you'd probably still have something moderately palatable.  The picture above is a blueberry pie, but the filling came out really runny, so I'm not ready to toss out advice about that one yet.  I'm just one lady.  There's only so much I can do.  I'm lucky I even remember to put on pants when I leave the house - you can't expect perfect crust AND perfect filling AND pants.