The Spouse Excuse, Or, One More Gender Inequality

I'd like to take this opportunity to discuss a phenomenon I call "The Spouse Excuse."  The Spouse Excuse is the married person's practice of using one's spouse as an excuse for avoiding unpleasant obligations.  Unmarried couples also employ this behavior, but the excuses seem to hold more weight once you are married.  I don't make the rules, I didn't create these social constructions, I'm just calling it like I see it.

My husband has already played the Spouse Excuse card several times, and our marriage will be only three months old on Monday.  I, on the other hand, have not had the opportunity to try my hand at the Spouse Excuse.  I guess I should consider myself lucky, as it's probably more a function of not being asked to do anything unpleasant than having too much integrity to use this devious excuse.  At least that's what I've been telling myself.

You see, the Spouse Excuse primarily benefits men.   All a guy has to do to deflect an unwanted invitation or a burdensome request is to say, "Well, my wife..."  He doesn't even have to supply a concrete excuse.  No actual lying ever has to take place.  Simply uttering the words "my wife" and then trailing off is enough of an explanation.  That ellipsis speaks volumes.  It can imply any number of things:


"My wife is a heinous bitch and she hates it when I have fun, so I can't go to the baseball game with you."

"My wife has her period and I have to stay home and massage her feet or she will stab me in my sleep, so I can't help you move this weekend."

[There was another hypothetical excuse here but Andy didn't like and asked me to remove it.  Use your imagination, and then read the subsequent post for the punchline.]

Women, on the other hand, have to actually lie, and this makes us feel guilty and sets us up for failure.  When a woman attempts the Spouse Excuse, the ellipsis trick does not play well.  Picture this:

Maude:  Hey, Sally, want to go see Eat Pray Love with me this weekend? 

Sally's inner monologue:  I would rather stab myself in the breast with a rusty paring knife than sit through that drivel.  I'll stay home and Google naked pictures of Javier Bardem and save myself the $10 and my sanity, thanks.

Sally:  Oh, well, my husband...

Maude's inner monologue:  Oh, poor Sally.  Her husband must be really possessive and controlling.  I wonder if he's an alcoholic?

Maude:  Oh, okay, well maybe some other time.  [squeezing Sally's arm and giving her a meaningful look] You know, I'm here if you want to talk about anything...

Sally's inner monologue:  God dammit, now she thinks I'm in an abusive relationship.  The only kind of abuse I'm trying to avoid is the cinematic abuse of sitting through that shitty Elizabeth Gilbert movie.

What Sally should have done was to eschew the ellipsis and make up a lie.  Let's try this again:

Maude:  Hey, Sally, want to go see Eat Pray Love with me this weekend?

Sally's inner monologue:  About as much as I want to watch a stranger get a colonoscopy.  Shit, what do I do?

Sally:  Oh, sorry, my husband...and I...are...going out of town.

Fabricating a vague lie on the spot is enough of a challenge, but then Maude will ask a ton of questions about where they are going and what they are doing.  One lie leads to more lies, until Sally can't even remember what lies she told or even why she was lying in the first place.  And even if she manages to keep all those lies straight for the remainder of the conversation, if Maude runs into Sally and/or her husband in town that weekend, then Maude will know Sally lied.  If Sally successfully lies and successfully avoids Maude all weekend, Maude will still want to know how their trip was, so Sally will have to recall all her original lies and make up more lies that are consistent with the first ones, and OH GOD WAS THIS ALL WORTH IT?  ALL SALLY WANTED TO DO WAS AVOID LOSING TWO HOURS OF HER LIFE TO A TERRIBLE MOVIE AND LOOK WHAT IT HAS COST HER!

In summation, the Spouse Excuse appears to have been designed by and for men.  In fact, it should really be called the Wife Excuse.  It just does not work the same way for women.  The ellipsis trick makes us appear to be victims of abuse, and lies are much more trouble than they are worth.  Ladies, I think we need a paradigm shift here.  What blanket excuse could we possibly give to avoid undesirable obligations?  Or, and this is really pushing the outer limits here, should we actually tell the truth?  Do we dare speak up and say, "No, I have no interest in doing the thing you are asking me to do"?

No.  We cannot let it come to that.  Lying is bad, but that level of honesty is equally detrimental.  Unadulterated truth would strip every drop of lubrication from the gears of society.  We will have to put our heads together and come up with an innocuous half-lie, half-truth that rivals the power of the Spouse Excuse.