Lately I've been picking up copies of the student newspaper, because, hey, free crossword puzzles, and also, they print the Moscow police log. I'm used to receiving my news from Philadelphia. The Philadelphia Inquirer was pretty much one long crime log, tabulating the collective antics of Philly, Chester, Camden, and Trenton. Bank robberies? Drug busts? Rape? Murder? Arson? If it's illegal and violent, we have it, and lots of it.
The Moscow police log is laughable by comparison. Not even by comparison. The police activity in this town makes Mayberry look like Compton.
Here are some of the highlights from the 19 published incidents that took place between Saturday, September 11th, and Friday, September 17th:
Saturday, 1:44 a.m. - "A male called in a harassment report because his ex was standing with him and wouldn't leave when he asked her to."
Quarter til two in the morning? Isn't that a little late for 4th graders to be out? Why did he call the police instead of telling his mom?
Sunday, 1:52 p.m. - "A female complained that her husband was harassing her and following her around the house."
Ma'am, did you try making him a sandwich?
Monday was a particularly tough beat:
6:52 a.m. - "Someone reported seeing a female moose in the field behind Targhee Hall."
Later someone reported gunshots, and, later still, someone called in to invite the police force to a barbecue. Probably.
12:21 p.m. - "Someone reported that there were two horses running around and halting traffic on D Street."
The question is, where was the third horse, and what was it doing while the first two created a diversion?
7:36 p.m. - "Someone reported a [sic] older couple chanting weird things."
They were probably just singing the Golden Girls theme song, or begging someone for medicine.
Wednesday, 3:49 p.m. - "A male was arrested for DUI."
Way to go, buddy! Couldn't wait til after 5 to make it respectable?
I can't even make this stuff up, people.
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