I am really grateful that people read this, and constantly offer positive feedback. I appreciate all your comments, and get a little giddy every time a new one appears. Because I appreciate it, I feel compelled to respond to every comment, but sometimes I get lazy and put it off for a few days and then go into explosive response mode and respond to three or four days worth of comments at once. Just now, I did that. And I felt very accomplished.
Then I felt very scared. I have gotten used to doing things on my own terms, in my own time. I have defined accomplishment as any of the following things:
- Responding to blog comments
- Drawing vulgar pictures of my cat in MS Paint
- Going to the mailbox
- Changing out of my pajamas before dinner
- Finding a good sale at the grocery store
The other day I was talking to my mom about my sudden glut of jobs and how I was trying to avoid a possible scheduling conflict. She was suggesting ways to politely explain to one boss what my other job situation was. My response? "I'll just tell her what the deal is and if she doesn't like it she can shove it up her ass." OH MY GOD you can't say things like that at work! Unless you work in construction, in which case you are required to say things like that, but I don't work in construction, so now I am going to have to practice a lot of things:
- Not saying the F word
- Not farting whenever I feel the urge
- Not discussing bodily functions in lurid detail
- Paying attention when the alarm clock goes off
- Looking at the clock for any reason other than to find out whether it's an acceptable time to eat again
So, just to get bodily function conversation, and probably some healthy F word usage, out of my system, I have decided that tomorrow's post will relate the veritable Fecal Trail of Tears that pretty much sums up my employment history.
Oh, you are adorable! I also consider finding a good grocery store sale, and going to the mailbox significant accomplishments. My kids tell me that you CAN fart in public, but you have to make some adjustments to make sure it's silent, and then you have to subtly shift the blame to an innocent bystander. My daughter drops her pencil on the floor and then she bends over the pick it up and her cheeks spread wide apart which opens things up for a silent one. Then she stares accusingly at someone who sits near her that she doesn't like. Things to think about.
ReplyDeleteI like a subtle manipulation of a situation. Take the blame for a small non offensive yet clearly audible fart every once and a while. Then when there is a truly disaterous fart, whether it be sound, situation, stink, or a combo of all three, you can say you weren't the culprit. When blame is being assessed just state "You know it wasn't me, because I always take ownership of my farts." A chorus of "Yea, she/he normally does, it can't be them," will be spouted from your friends, and eventually the blame will be passed to an innocent victim. I'm a huge fan of this devious technique.
ReplyDeleteOR! Drop the SBD while in the company of multiple co-workers. Wait until someone can't take the smell any longer and politely excuses them self from the conversation, THEN throw that individual under the bus. "OH MY GOD. Fred/ Nancy totally just ripped a load. GROSS. No wonder she had to 'get back to work'".
ReplyDeleteI think this is a perfect tactic to forge inter-office alliances and remove any chance of becoming the company outcast. (I don't know if you even got a job in an office, but this strategy should be successful in most work settings.)
Um, oh my god, I love all three of you. This is the kind of dialogue I really wanted to start with this blog. Thank you. The world is now a better and more flatulence-friendly place because of you. And Sarah, your daughter is now my hero.
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